The Phantom Heart 7

Do you remember when I told you to smile more, and it made you look alive?  And you started smiling and you started changing.  And you couldn’t see me anymore, like you looked right through me.  But I forgot it all, tried not to think about it, and you existed less and less for me everyday.  And I did things to you, things I probably shouldn’t have, planting daggers in your mind, yet never aware of it, I found the ability to wound you deeply.  But you kept score, and you wounded me the only way you knew how.  I never stopped feeling horrible you know, destroyed by your hands, it made me wonder if i had the same thoughts as you, always planning your destruction to protect myself, and awakened by an inner scream, I know, I never planned any of this.  You did not have the ability to separate your pain from your ideas, you did this as I just floated, and you ripped my wings from my back to protect yourself from freedom…maybe it no longer matters…Remember the night we saw all of those shooting stars?  The beach, the moon reflecting upon the ocean, days like that will never happen again, and you told me your secret and I told you mine and the balance of our hearts flowed through the palms of our hands.  It felt like we would never separate as we held each other all night and it seemed like it would last forever and even then I knew it wouldn’t.  I bled for so long after I flew away, it never healed, even now I still feel it, but in another body, different skin, blood drifting up, beating away, the only answer for all of the pain washing over me.  I reach out for you and I can only see that blank stare and the darkness, and then again, the light, once again I stand here powerless against your smile.  I paid for it in my own blood, the blood only you can stare right through, the blood that divided us, I could never step on one side of that line.  And as I watch the blood pumping through that other body I see that other tree, the one the light passes through, breathing through illuminating its long, living branches.  I search the ground, moving the leaves with my feet and I remember why I came here, to feel free from this, to heal, to feel the way I use to feel, to think the way I use to but I can never touch that spot again.  As that other body, and that other heart continues to grasp for life, I hold onto the only thing I ever really had, myself.  I see myself float above all of this at the same time it all flows through me, never truly existing outside of me, and that phantom heart, no different from my own, just a different sound, a beacon of glowing light in the distance, echoing the sound of my own heart, leading me into a well lit wide open doorway to a new day where nothing can ever disappear or exist separately.  And I see me and you on the edge of a cliff, the sunset in the background, the moon  mirroring the sun and I no longer wonder what you think, I no longer ask why and the only separation existing between us exists within you and the pain you can only swallow and cannot see beyond. The dark words you use to justify the actions you can never come to terms with begin to strangle you as I say let it go just let it go.  I am here to tell you  the picture of yourself you have drawn, only represents something outside of you, yet all of this cannot separate from you, cannot exist outside of your perception or my perception.  And even after everything I still reach for your hand because I know you had a part in forming the pieces of what I call myself and I know even when I fall, even with broken wings, I still met god today, right here, that beat of that heart in the distance, now in sync with my own lifts me up above this and I look down at you, and I look down at that tree and I thank everything because each breath brings me new life and each experience brings me closer to the stars we may one day become if we can just listen to that sound.  And the tree, its branches alive and bathing in the sun illuminating the glistening dew falling in the fall wind and you, with no football helmet, but my swiftly beating heart flowing along with the breeze, I rise up fluttering away my wings behind my back and I smile down upon it all because I know this will always exist, but it will never again eclipse everything I breathe for.

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