The Phantom Heart 6

“We the people fight for our existence / We don’t claim to be perfect but we’re free / We dream our dreams alone with no resistance / Fading like the stars we wish to be / You know I didn’t mean what I just said / But my god woke up on the wrong side of his bed / And it just don’t matter now.” Oasis

Your words of betrayal with open arms welcomed me into the false idea I had of you.  As I asked for release, the invisible ropes grew tighter and the laughter and the screams grew louder and I could never get out, trapped within the echoes of my silent screams.  And I played it back a million times but the middle always remained the same.   And your eyes never changed.  And I couldn’t turn that look you had on your face into a smile the way I use to.  And I couldn’t see what you saw when you looked at me, and the change that overcame your face as I lie on the ground covered in leaves, happy to just feel, and like an eclipse, the shadow covered your face and you became something I never knew, something I have always ran from; the darkness which constantly tried to swallow me, never far behind.   As you stand over me, I am delivered from all of my fears if only because I know running will eventually lead me right back to the same place I continued to close my eyes to.  Running straight into myself, or through myself, but never through you because I held up a mirror so you can look at the face before you, but you can never open your eyes once that shadow eclipsed your face.  You never knew that person staring out from your eyes, you never could know him could you, because if you did see him, you would try to run just like me, and you never would stop would you?  Just running straight through yourself, and never seeing the circle you continued to create.  And you forgot when I held you in my hands and I put you back together…but no, you didn’t forget, your body never forgets.  Your experiences never disappear, always there, flowing through you, beating along with the pain of your crying heart, the pain  you still could not digest.  But fear motivated you, you let fear motivate you and here I lie, paying for it, over and over again, paying for the sins of the world, sins that cannot stop as you carry on with your eyes closed and your heart whispering, murmuring, yet still praying for life.  The question of how can you do this to me died a long time ago, because it…right there, I know that form, the shadow cannot be you, but it becomes you, and you let it become me and only I know how it feels.  The tears cloud my blinking eyes and I see a smile appear upon my face, for the first time I learn how to smile and I learn how to float away with each blink of the eye and I learn how to see what overwhelms me here, with each playback I never had the ability to see this until now.  I allow the shadows to flow through me but I never let them take hold, maybe the only difference between us, and I can’t move, but a kingdom breeds within my mind, growing with each breath I take and you can hold me down, you can tie me up, you can set the torch below me and with each unconscious action, each sprint away from the actions defining you delivers me into a deeper part within myself, a deeper understanding of true freedom and though I haven’t figured out how to destroy the shadows forever looming above me and below me I have learned to understand what they contain. I have learned when I fight them, I become them, and I have learned, lying here forever trapped on my back, reliving your pain, it never could be any different.  As my past continues haunting me with each closure of my eye I see the blood and the tears, and I feel a deliverance from something.  And I just can’t define it, but now I can open my eyes, and now I can open my arms and although I may have no definitions I feel a faint beating, so far away, but getting closer every day.  I still hear your words reverberating over that beat and I still see the shadows blocking my view and I clutch my heart as my past and my future slowly beat to the rhythm of the sun and the experience in the past disappears at my feet, and the cracks within my body begin to close. Still the shadows of your dark branches reach out for me and for a second I forget, for a second I close my eyes as I fall to my knees. I look down crying why me, why, overcome with the pain you cannot express, I stand, walking in line to the role assigned me as my eyes focus on the ground, closing my eyes, I know I must stop asking the wrong questions


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