The Phantom heart 5

As I felt his heart beating along with mine and his slow whimpering cry vibrating through my body I could not separate his form from my own.  His tears drip down my shoulders as I remember the tears I continued to drown in up until this point.  His haunting memories continue to flow throughout my entire body as I breathe them out and see them dissipate into the afternoon sky.  Their words, claws reaching deep inside of him, tearing all he thought he could hold. And the words, haunting his existence ever since, transformed into a seething mass of darkness that never travelled far from his heart.  And even then I watch his hand grip his facemask, and his eyes look away, towards the darkness.  The darkness that saturated my body, my heart, infecting all I ever held within me. I try to place him back on the ground but he will not let go of me, so fragile, I hold him together with the palms of my hands.  I see myself in that fragility, walking through the trees at dusk, the falling leaves comforting my back as I roll amongst them, just happy to breathe, back when I lived amongst the light with my heart beating along with the wind which carried me.  I let him go and allowed him to stand on his own, I knew he couldn’t take the first step, not if he thought about it, and don’t worry I told him, okay, just don’t worry.  And he cried and he looked at me with his large blinking eyes and he knew all he ever needed to know.  And I forgot every thing as I shielded my eyes from the brightness of the shooting star which lay beneath my feet, barely remembering how to breathe, yet lighting all within his path.  And a firefly lit by the energy from his heart floats above us, carrying all of his pain upon the backs of its wings, stardust floating up to the sky.  And in pieces I see him instantly coming together so quickly when it took me what seemed ages, but now I can’t even remember the pain as his eyes become glowing suns delivering me from any anguish I ever suffered from.  But I still have forgotten what brought me here, I forgot what brought him directly beneath my feet yet he still cried out from the pain haunting him.  And in my face, within my skin, he saw the shadow looming over him.  I felt my skin quickly heating and I slowly felt myself tied down and at the same time floating away on the backs of all the wrong that the world could no longer face.  But it wasn’t me I promise-the only words I had the energy to let loose from my lips and his tears grew stronger and his cries louder and the sun from his eyes closed as he listened to the whispers in the wind overwhelming him with their strength.  My tears fell from my eyes, becoming rainbows glistening in the sun and I reached for him as he ran, looking back the whole way and sometimes i wish I knew how to run but I never had it in me, I knew I would once again have to face it all anyway.  And I knew my vulnerability would destroy me in a world which only knows strength by constantly eating itself.  But I knew what strength feels like even if no one else did.  Listening to that sound, which sometimes led me astray, but always, no matter what, eventually led me right back to what I have become.  At the moment, the only thing I see in myself is confusion, lost, swimming in the hatred and lack of understanding of my open arms.  Victims are floating all around us, lost amongst the stars, carried away in dreams, unable to speak a single world.  World turned upside down and none of us know what side is the right side.  None of us have a voice, our mirrors are broken and our eyes continue on, closed, broken, yet light still slivers through.  But all of their words feel so empty here because I can open my arms and my eyes, and my heart and my heart places these things in front of me, stars, bright unblinking stars leading the way and maybe I still don’t have a voice but I walk this line and as I look up the line disappears and I know all I live here as breathes new life into everything I place my eyes upon and as his shadow looms over me with his back still towards the sun, my eyes open and let all the light in, let everything in as his shadow still slowly claws at my heart

 

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