She was drowning in the tears and the blood of her family as they made things for me to play with. She couldn’t even shut her eyes at night because she felt those eyes above going right through her and she didn’t know why they chose her. But they followed her everywhere and she heard the parts of her, flowing through that eye just holding her, holding every piece of her separately and it would just stare at the parts and her whole body would shake. It once tried to convince her that she needed it to survive but as she tried to show it what love was, it clicked, it tried but it never could understand. And she heard the clicking and it knew something more about her and maybe she thought it was learning less about her. She heard something drop from it and no matter how far away she was, she could hear it, and feel it. Sometimes it was a cousin or a friend she knew so long ago and they just vanished as their footsteps continued along in the sand and their cries echoed forever, unheard. Their screams became so much more real to her now as she travelled further away. And Tammy shouted sorry and she was now at my feet, right where my dad use to lie as he was slowly being taken apart. And I remember dad saying this is what war does and I remember dad saying this is what we work for, all of our lives as we eat each other alive and I remember when he bought Tammy and when he looked at the tag on her and shook his head mumbling something about Pakistan. And he said this is what I was protecting and pointed to a Coca Cola machine and I didn’t know what he meant and he pointed to the fires burning on the moon and he said those won’t go away, never, they will be turned into whatever they want them to turn into and I guess I still don’t really know what he meant but I remembered the rainbows, I always carried them with me and I guess that’s all that matters. And he always said you never want to see what I seen and maybe what he doesn’t know is that I saw it all when he gave me the rainbows and it is all part of me. I grab tighter to the man taking me away and the hum of the motorcycle helps me forget the story pouring out of me but as I hold onto the man, the stronger I hold, the less he feels real. And I can only see Daddy in front of me, and the moon seems like it is within reach as we drive through the cold, dark desert and I begin to cry because the further we drive, the deeper I enter into her heart and it beats just like my own. On my knees in the sand, I reach up and pray to the sky and the eye above, mirroring the moon only blinks, only follows, only clicks as it scans the information I send it. The man on the motorcycle turns to me and says it’s okay, everything will be okay and I know every time I have ever heard an adult say that, just the opposite was true and I just fall to the ground as he delivers me into the cage which will be my new home and he says sorry and I just look away and I laugh because I can’t do nothing else. And I laugh as I hear the clicking, the scanning, the information flowing above me, the pieces of everything I am glistening in the dust, the light of me travelling into the eye staring out of the ceiling. And she cries out for me but I can’t help her here and Tammy clutches my shoulder and the eye shutters a little bit as I smile. As I blink my eyes and look out from the light above, I watch myself spread out into the universe, millions of pieces of star-dust now covering the desert, illuminating the blood covering all of our toys. They lock the cage and I hear the echo of the slamming door. I place my ear upon Tammy’s heart, beating so gently and I dream the perfect dream to the slow rythmic beating of her heart
My ears close and I could hear no more sound. They didn’t want to be free, that’s why they closed everything. They don’t understand what it means to be free, that’s what my mother use to say. And I never knew what it meant to be free until I was walking down that dark road and that man came by and took me away on his motorcycle. I never said no, I never said nothing really but it still felt like I made a choice. I loved looking at the stars and that huge sky passing above and forgetting about my story. I just held onto him tight and never looked down. He always told me you had to do a lot of things that you don’t really want to do to become successful and he always did this, but never had much success. I couldn’t stop looking at the fires that were burning on the moon and it seemed like forever now. And he said he knew why they were burning like that but he wasn’t suppose to say nothing, and he said they would never stop because we weren’t right and they would only stop if we got right, but he thought we never would. I almost said maybe we gotta do a lot of things we don’t wanna do but I already knew that never works. We stood in the middle of the cold dark desert and I reached my hands up to the sky because I felt her voice trying to flow through me. I close my eyes as she speaks, as she whispers sorry but I have to talk to you because no one else listens. And I look down and there is blood on my hands and as I reach for Tammy’s soft body, blood falls from her eyes. And I am standing in that house but it is empty and I am walking towards the corner where my father use to lie and I can only hear my heartbeat and I can see nothing in front of me but a red haze rising up from where my father use to be and my heart beats louder and the redness covers my sight and I can’t move and I forgot how to breathe and she breezes by in front of me running and holding onto her screaming baby brother as blood is raining from the sky and she doesn’t feel far from me anymore. I rise above the spot where my father fell apart and I close my eyes as her voice overcomes me, you are watching she says, you are just watching. And there is nothing else to do because as I close my eyes, she is still there. I can’t cry out and I can’t hear nothing but the silent crash of bombs falling at my feet. She asks for release and I ask for release as Tammy falls apart, slowly falling from my hands, pieces of cotton falling away into the desert night. The girls reaches down and begins sewing Tammy back together as blood drips from her hands. A droning hum forms a shadow above her head as she continues to piece Tammy back together. The slow moving eye following her every move as she wipes blood from her own eyes. The shadow of my father appears on the wall before me and the pounding of my heart covers my ears and my father cries out as he looks down on me and the girl cries out and she asks why and I don’t know why. With each movement of my fingers, the eye above her blinks and follows her as blood drips from my fingers, the eye above is clean, but I can’t even see through my own and my heart pounds louder and the eye blinks a little more and follows and does nothing but blink and click and watch and I can no longer close my eyes as her screams fall from my mouth
They would look at me weird because I think they knew I knew something. But really, I didn’t know nothing. And we stood in line and the machine looked angry and mommy looked up at it and I knew she was scared, she was always scared in airports just like me. Anytime we were in an airport I couldn’t breathe, the air was like thick, it was like it wasn’t real. And everyone was moving but no one was looking or smiling and it was all so serious and there were scary men with guns and always someone or a lot of someone’s watching you always. And mommy says, It’s okay if I’m pregnant? And the man says yeah it’s okay mam you have a choice. So it’s okay, yeah I think so, but you don’t have to you can ge patted, it’s your choice. But there is no choice, everyone looking down at their feet knew that. And they took her aside and they photographed our eyes and took our fingerprints and said see it’s so much faster, now you get to go to the front of the line, but to get to the front of the line they took something from us, and I felt it, pounding in my head, it would never be the same again. And it was only because mommy didn’t like to wait. And that’s why we were running because mommy didn’t want to wait and watch daddy die, but I remember when he reached out for me as we left and he still couldn’t open his eyes, they were drowning in tears. He didn’t want us to leave him alone, but we felt it starting to go into us and it started grabbing us and sometimes at night it would start choking me and Tammy would fight it off but she was only so strong and she told me to run, but to be careful because maybe I’ll never stop running once I start. But some of the rainbows from daddy’s hands never really left me and sometimes when I would close my eyes they would still be there, so maybe sometimes he was still there too. He stopped crying before we left and he started mumbling but I could never understand any of it, but there were no more screams, only the memories and the booboos, and his eyes would go up looking into his brains and he stopped being able to reach me because he shook so much he couldn’t really get up off the floor. And now at night, sometimes when the moon was full and I remembered the nights when he came to say hello to me in my sleep, I could do nothing but cry, screaming his screams, crying his cries and I never ran out of tears. And there was something in my head now that would never come out no matter how hard I shook it was always taking something from me. And we never said no and this is our lives and not one of us never said no. But daddy did and he couldn’t walk anymore, or talk anymore, just endless chatter that no one listened to and the rainbows that came from his hands that now guided me but never told me where I was going, but Tammy said just listen, just listen and maybe you’ll know, but I didn’t want to know anything if I had to be like Daddy. But as I bathed in the light of the full moon tonight I felt daddy calling me and for once I understood his words and I knew I had to go back. I couldn’t even remember how long it’s been but I knew I had to go back and Tammy said I had to go back because I was learning how to listen and I couldn’t close my ears no more. And I closed mommy’s door and I wished her good night and I started out on the road and I held the rainbows close to my heart and I listened as a little girl so far away screamed and a droning hum above her was chasing her and I screamed for her and I reached out for her and she smiled and I said I promise, I won’t stop listening and she cried for help and all I could do was listen as part of my body was bombed from overhead
Sometimes Daddy would be crying in the corner of the kitchen, on the floor grabbing his knees. He cried like me, with boogers falling out of his nose and hoping no one saw him. He didn’t know I stood there, holding Tammy really tight and I wanted to cry but I didnt know how when I just wanted to. He never opened his eyes. Sometimes he looked to the ceiling and reached out his arms. I got scared because I thought maybe he would die soon. And it took a long time. I remember I couldn’t even get near him when he was like that. He would be there in the corner and I could hear the coughing and the crying but sometimes I couldn’t even see him. And sometimes he would look at me and his eyes were red but if I looked at him, he would quickly look away and I would run and Tammy would hold me and cry with me because we didn’t know what else to do. He heard bombs crashing, sand getting kicked up into the air, giant green steel monsters, ducking, hiding behind the table, but it always caught up to him, no matter how good he hid. Rainbows shooting, sometimes straight from his hands. But still he ran, covering his ears as he cried out all of the pain that never seemed to go away. Sometimes Tammy just wouldn’t let go of me, she seemed to be way more scared of him than I was. I couldn’t cry more though, I was all out of tears. And I learned to hide. I hid from mommy’s screams and the rainbows that would go through her but I closed my eyes anytime they came near me. And sometimes Tammy would grab me and she would whisper it’s okay, no one will hurt you. You don’t hear the buzz in the sky and the eyes always staring at you. You are lucky you’re not me, just remember you are lucky but you still have to fight for your peace. Sometimes I stopped hearing Tammy though and I can only hear the screams coming from my stomach and I forgot to listen to any of them and I closed my eyes and everything was dark, but the rainbows would keep chasing me. I asked Tammy why my father had to be like that. For days it seemed he would never leave the corner, his arms wrapped around his knees, tears and sweat always falling from his face. But what was louder was the roar rumbling beneath my feet, pounding through my body, there was no escape from it if you felt it, if you listened to it and the screams and all of the blood, bubbling up from the ground no matter how strongly we closed our eyes it still covered them and I couldn’t look passed it and Tammy said I’m sorry I need to speak with you, it’s because no one else listens, I’m sorry, so sorry and the rainbows come from her eyes now and they cover me and I can’t run because now I see the eyes and they are everywhere, always silently watching and sometimes I can hear the buzzing and I can never get the screams out of my body, and I can never forget the pain and the blood and as my father cries and my mother runs I hold onto Tammy and I ask to leave but there is nowhere else to go so I have to stop running and watch the rainbows and look at the eyes as my tears dry up and I tell Tammy I promise it will be okay because all they do is watch, and all I can do is see what lies behind their eyes
Do you remember when I told you to smile more, and it made you look alive? And you started smiling and you started changing. And you couldn’t see me anymore, like you looked right through me. But I forgot it all, tried not to think about it, and you existed less and less for me everyday. And I did things to you, things I probably shouldn’t have, planting daggers in your mind, yet never aware of it, I found the ability to wound you deeply. But you kept score, and you wounded me the only way you knew how. I never stopped feeling horrible you know, destroyed by your hands, it made me wonder if i had the same thoughts as you, always planning your destruction to protect myself, and awakened by an inner scream, I know, I never planned any of this. You did not have the ability to separate your pain from your ideas, you did this as I just floated, and you ripped my wings from my back to protect yourself from freedom…maybe it no longer matters…Remember the night we saw all of those shooting stars? The beach, the moon reflecting upon the ocean, days like that will never happen again, and you told me your secret and I told you mine and the balance of our hearts flowed through the palms of our hands. It felt like we would never separate as we held each other all night and it seemed like it would last forever and even then I knew it wouldn’t. I bled for so long after I flew away, it never healed, even now I still feel it, but in another body, different skin, blood drifting up, beating away, the only answer for all of the pain washing over me. I reach out for you and I can only see that blank stare and the darkness, and then again, the light, once again I stand here powerless against your smile. I paid for it in my own blood, the blood only you can stare right through, the blood that divided us, I could never step on one side of that line. And as I watch the blood pumping through that other body I see that other tree, the one the light passes through, breathing through illuminating its long, living branches. I search the ground, moving the leaves with my feet and I remember why I came here, to feel free from this, to heal, to feel the way I use to feel, to think the way I use to but I can never touch that spot again. As that other body, and that other heart continues to grasp for life, I hold onto the only thing I ever really had, myself. I see myself float above all of this at the same time it all flows through me, never truly existing outside of me, and that phantom heart, no different from my own, just a different sound, a beacon of glowing light in the distance, echoing the sound of my own heart, leading me into a well lit wide open doorway to a new day where nothing can ever disappear or exist separately. And I see me and you on the edge of a cliff, the sunset in the background, the moon mirroring the sun and I no longer wonder what you think, I no longer ask why and the only separation existing between us exists within you and the pain you can only swallow and cannot see beyond. The dark words you use to justify the actions you can never come to terms with begin to strangle you as I say let it go just let it go. I am here to tell you the picture of yourself you have drawn, only represents something outside of you, yet all of this cannot separate from you, cannot exist outside of your perception or my perception. And even after everything I still reach for your hand because I know you had a part in forming the pieces of what I call myself and I know even when I fall, even with broken wings, I still met god today, right here, that beat of that heart in the distance, now in sync with my own lifts me up above this and I look down at you, and I look down at that tree and I thank everything because each breath brings me new life and each experience brings me closer to the stars we may one day become if we can just listen to that sound. And the tree, its branches alive and bathing in the sun illuminating the glistening dew falling in the fall wind and you, with no football helmet, but my swiftly beating heart flowing along with the breeze, I rise up fluttering away my wings behind my back and I smile down upon it all because I know this will always exist, but it will never again eclipse everything I breathe for.
“We the people fight for our existence / We don’t claim to be perfect but we’re free / We dream our dreams alone with no resistance / Fading like the stars we wish to be / You know I didn’t mean what I just said / But my god woke up on the wrong side of his bed / And it just don’t matter now.” Oasis
Your words of betrayal with open arms welcomed me into the false idea I had of you. As I asked for release, the invisible ropes grew tighter and the laughter and the screams grew louder and I could never get out, trapped within the echoes of my silent screams. And I played it back a million times but the middle always remained the same. And your eyes never changed. And I couldn’t turn that look you had on your face into a smile the way I use to. And I couldn’t see what you saw when you looked at me, and the change that overcame your face as I lie on the ground covered in leaves, happy to just feel, and like an eclipse, the shadow covered your face and you became something I never knew, something I have always ran from; the darkness which constantly tried to swallow me, never far behind. As you stand over me, I am delivered from all of my fears if only because I know running will eventually lead me right back to the same place I continued to close my eyes to. Running straight into myself, or through myself, but never through you because I held up a mirror so you can look at the face before you, but you can never open your eyes once that shadow eclipsed your face. You never knew that person staring out from your eyes, you never could know him could you, because if you did see him, you would try to run just like me, and you never would stop would you? Just running straight through yourself, and never seeing the circle you continued to create. And you forgot when I held you in my hands and I put you back together…but no, you didn’t forget, your body never forgets. Your experiences never disappear, always there, flowing through you, beating along with the pain of your crying heart, the pain you still could not digest. But fear motivated you, you let fear motivate you and here I lie, paying for it, over and over again, paying for the sins of the world, sins that cannot stop as you carry on with your eyes closed and your heart whispering, murmuring, yet still praying for life. The question of how can you do this to me died a long time ago, because it…right there, I know that form, the shadow cannot be you, but it becomes you, and you let it become me and only I know how it feels. The tears cloud my blinking eyes and I see a smile appear upon my face, for the first time I learn how to smile and I learn how to float away with each blink of the eye and I learn how to see what overwhelms me here, with each playback I never had the ability to see this until now. I allow the shadows to flow through me but I never let them take hold, maybe the only difference between us, and I can’t move, but a kingdom breeds within my mind, growing with each breath I take and you can hold me down, you can tie me up, you can set the torch below me and with each unconscious action, each sprint away from the actions defining you delivers me into a deeper part within myself, a deeper understanding of true freedom and though I haven’t figured out how to destroy the shadows forever looming above me and below me I have learned to understand what they contain. I have learned when I fight them, I become them, and I have learned, lying here forever trapped on my back, reliving your pain, it never could be any different. As my past continues haunting me with each closure of my eye I see the blood and the tears, and I feel a deliverance from something. And I just can’t define it, but now I can open my eyes, and now I can open my arms and although I may have no definitions I feel a faint beating, so far away, but getting closer every day. I still hear your words reverberating over that beat and I still see the shadows blocking my view and I clutch my heart as my past and my future slowly beat to the rhythm of the sun and the experience in the past disappears at my feet, and the cracks within my body begin to close. Still the shadows of your dark branches reach out for me and for a second I forget, for a second I close my eyes as I fall to my knees. I look down crying why me, why, overcome with the pain you cannot express, I stand, walking in line to the role assigned me as my eyes focus on the ground, closing my eyes, I know I must stop asking the wrong questions
As I felt his heart beating along with mine and his slow whimpering cry vibrating through my body I could not separate his form from my own. His tears drip down my shoulders as I remember the tears I continued to drown in up until this point. His haunting memories continue to flow throughout my entire body as I breathe them out and see them dissipate into the afternoon sky. Their words, claws reaching deep inside of him, tearing all he thought he could hold. And the words, haunting his existence ever since, transformed into a seething mass of darkness that never travelled far from his heart. And even then I watch his hand grip his facemask, and his eyes look away, towards the darkness. The darkness that saturated my body, my heart, infecting all I ever held within me. I try to place him back on the ground but he will not let go of me, so fragile, I hold him together with the palms of my hands. I see myself in that fragility, walking through the trees at dusk, the falling leaves comforting my back as I roll amongst them, just happy to breathe, back when I lived amongst the light with my heart beating along with the wind which carried me. I let him go and allowed him to stand on his own, I knew he couldn’t take the first step, not if he thought about it, and don’t worry I told him, okay, just don’t worry. And he cried and he looked at me with his large blinking eyes and he knew all he ever needed to know. And I forgot every thing as I shielded my eyes from the brightness of the shooting star which lay beneath my feet, barely remembering how to breathe, yet lighting all within his path. And a firefly lit by the energy from his heart floats above us, carrying all of his pain upon the backs of its wings, stardust floating up to the sky. And in pieces I see him instantly coming together so quickly when it took me what seemed ages, but now I can’t even remember the pain as his eyes become glowing suns delivering me from any anguish I ever suffered from. But I still have forgotten what brought me here, I forgot what brought him directly beneath my feet yet he still cried out from the pain haunting him. And in my face, within my skin, he saw the shadow looming over him. I felt my skin quickly heating and I slowly felt myself tied down and at the same time floating away on the backs of all the wrong that the world could no longer face. But it wasn’t me I promise-the only words I had the energy to let loose from my lips and his tears grew stronger and his cries louder and the sun from his eyes closed as he listened to the whispers in the wind overwhelming him with their strength. My tears fell from my eyes, becoming rainbows glistening in the sun and I reached for him as he ran, looking back the whole way and sometimes i wish I knew how to run but I never had it in me, I knew I would once again have to face it all anyway. And I knew my vulnerability would destroy me in a world which only knows strength by constantly eating itself. But I knew what strength feels like even if no one else did. Listening to that sound, which sometimes led me astray, but always, no matter what, eventually led me right back to what I have become. At the moment, the only thing I see in myself is confusion, lost, swimming in the hatred and lack of understanding of my open arms. Victims are floating all around us, lost amongst the stars, carried away in dreams, unable to speak a single world. World turned upside down and none of us know what side is the right side. None of us have a voice, our mirrors are broken and our eyes continue on, closed, broken, yet light still slivers through. But all of their words feel so empty here because I can open my arms and my eyes, and my heart and my heart places these things in front of me, stars, bright unblinking stars leading the way and maybe I still don’t have a voice but I walk this line and as I look up the line disappears and I know all I live here as breathes new life into everything I place my eyes upon and as his shadow looms over me with his back still towards the sun, my eyes open and let all the light in, let everything in as his shadow still slowly claws at my heart