The Phantom Heart 2

And they wanted me to disappear because inside of me existed all of the smoldering hatred  trapped within themselves.  The hatred which drives them yet they can never face, floating above them as a web of fog, shrouded in a web of lies.  Brown and yellow leaves fall through the sunlight, traveling with the flow in a creek below my feet, slowly moving with the current.  But I still forgot how to move.  I can only blink my eyes, and they can’t see me so I can’t understand what they continue staring at and laughing and cheering.  I’m not here, I couldn’t possibly be.  I reach up for my underwear because I want to go home now but the tree won’t let them go and my ears are overcome with a loud whirring as wings are floating above me and I close my eyes and can no longer open them.  I reach down to feel the pain pulsing from me and wipe the warm blood from my hands as it keeps falling.  I smile as I float in the air above it all.  They still stare at me and instantly the fault becomes all my own.                                                                                                                                  And they ask me questions I have no answers to.  And they have answers to the questions I couldn’t understand.  And I just wanted to disappear because if the fault existed within me, the only way left would be a disappearance.  And I would look in the mirror and I didn’t see anything I remembered.   The phone would ring and ominous whispers to keep quiet entered my consciousness, in the middle of the night, accusing me of my horrid way, my reasons for doing this to everyone.  My shaking never stopped, moving along with the ocean and that faintly beating heart, leading me on my way, possibly only in circles.  And the yelling reverberated inside my mind, never moving as it continued to swell and echo deep inside me and I  never lost sight of the beating which continues to lead me on.  The trees waving away from the power of the wings seemed like they could be uprooted at any moment, and that piece of me blowing in the wind over all their heads with no one at any moment looking up, only screaming at me.  And I slept for a brief moment the most peaceful sleep I have ever known.  And then I saw his face, the sun beating from behind his back, shining into my eyes, he shyly clutched the face mask of his football helmet, my black heart opened and saw life.  And his face laughing, and the anger and the sweat and blankness and me, wrong, so wrong about so many things, so wrong about myself.  Taken away on mechanical wings delivered to the new form of my life, covered in black, soaking in everything directed at me.  I open my eyes to bright artificial, angry light and see my father and he can look everywhere but into my eyes, clutching his broken heart with never a thought for my own.  My mother looks down at her feet, no one speaks and I see no flowers for me.  I see pictures on a table next to me, the bruised form of what I became.  I can’t open my arms, I have forgotten how to move as I absorb everything I close my eyes and go back, I have not forgotten how to dream


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