The Phantom Heart 1

The leaves fall in slow circular motion.  I twirl around with my arms in the air.  I look to the sky as  I feel something growing inside me.                                                                                                                                  The tree appears before me.  I could never go back.   I open my eyes, close them, no sound. Something buzzes by looking for shelter.  Muted screams as my body closes itself.  The past breezes through my mind looking for shelter where shelter no longer exists.   The shadows from the tree branches travel down my legs along with my pulsing veins, the sun is obscured but still shines upon me through the falling leaves.  So long ago but none of this ever left.  I see someone in the distance awkwardly staring at me as I’m walking in circles gazing at the sky.                                                                                                                                      I met god today, right here.  Waving me to come on by, telling me to forget about it.  Forget about everything.  Echoing in my heart, pulsations overcome me revealing all I have ever known.  Forgetting for once the pain which brought me here.  The tree above me, underwear flowing with the wind, hanging from its branches.  A life taken, held briefly in its hands.  I let it float away, unprotected, running on hope, crushed by a lie.  I believed,  held in your hands,  light can be so deceiving.  I reach out, only the branches of the tree reach back.  The beating grows louder as I can see through the disorienting sunlight shooting through the tree.  The fall wind a comfort on my face.  I feel my wings beating, trying to free themselves from the ground below my back.  And then his face, a smile, the way the grass smells as the dried leaves fall upon the ground in the fall.  My rebirth, the light, the empty branches of the tree and the pieces of us, attached to the branches, my ears close to the sound delivering me from this.  A rainbow, spread across my socks, waving in the air, falling from me, all that I am…the water dripping down from their faces, the only sign of a change, a different one, hurting but they said it’d be okay, suppose to be okay but nothing could be okay, I could not be okay.  My existence cannot be floating in this now, my wings beneath me attempt to free themselves, a cry from my stomach goes unheard.  I couldn’t look into her eyes, their eyes, closed, wide shut, I fly, fly away, floating above with crooked wings.  Maybe they think I’m happy and I close my eyes and smile and I close my eyes and dream of floating away.  Leaving my desecrated form.  I hear cheers and screaming and laughing and I wish I remembered how to laugh, I wish someone could take me away as I travel in darkness, following a slow beat leading me on, no pain, no sight, no…love.  The beating leads me on through darkness upon darkness as I feel my wings, dripping with blood straighten upon my back.  I absorbed all of you and I became all of the hatred I could endure and maybe they thought they gave me love and I was unworthy and maybe I was.  The pulse grows louder as I reach for it.  The darkness fractures as I reach for one sliver of light.  As I open my eyes nothing appears.  Now, a loud sound over head but I can no longer move, I only hear the loud whirring, and louder cries and still laughter.  In my mind I reach for deliverance yet they will not let me go as water still falls on my face and it tastes different every time.  I continue to reach for the beating through the darkness as the blood falls away from my wings and in that beat, all that I am leads me through

 

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