Thoughtcrime

“The task?  To see things as they are.  The means: to look through hundreds of eyes, across many peoples.” Friedrich Nietzsche

With my eyes tightly closed the billions of eyes which came before…thunderously, open and close. In a flash of lightning, I succumb t0 the darkness.  It’s forming above me.  Pushing down my entire being.           I have a product to sell you, to overcome the paranoia I have sold to you.  There is a drop of water to keep you dumb.  There is a spy mechanism in every  product you are surrounded by, and a question in every answer.  I have no problem murdering you slowly, and then speeding up the process.  I can surround you, a bombardment of lies.  You can’t possibly survive this.  The problem is that there is not a lot of life left.   And you have come to me.  Traveling through oceans of darkness, lit by the reflection of the moon, you shiver down my spine….  Be careful I have awakened, I can’t see, but I am awake.  I share your heart, it still does not beat.  I have no body, but your mind, my mind, it seems so…solid.  Just another confining space I have to find a way to get out of.  But didn’t people use to read books here?  And write what they felt, as they danced below the trees in the wind, in the fall, the brown leaves twirling down atop their heads.  I can see a tree before me.

You must understand there is no romanticism in my heart, in my mind, I can barely say the word.  I only do this because I know no other way.  That’s a lie, I admit that, but I don’t know anything else but lies.  I feed on lies, live on lies, every breath, every word is another lie that I must feed on.  The deeper you see the more I fade, the more my voice quivers.

You can feel something?  I was not sure that was possible.  If you can still have the ability to feel, there is still hope for all of us.  Your brain makes me a goddamn romantic somehow.  I just want to get out of this place.  Then the nightmare of where I’ll be next is awakened.  I am still swimming in darkness with no visible means to escape, a flash of light, the tree breathes, once again there is a beat, thump, my ears hear the tree cry out, but can discern no meaning.  As I gain the ability to touch the roots I am reminded of why I am here – to strengthen my words.  You did not believe I’d gain the ability to once again think, or feel.  No one escapes from here, your voice thunders in my soul.  I don’t have to listen.  Remember when I had to watch everything I thought, everything I did?  From my crib to the bigger crib of my bed everything I tried to be, scrutinized.  Remember when I didn’t have the words to express all I ever felt, the expressions always just out of reach.  My life an experiment, never within my hands.  Eric Arthur Blair, you have communicated to the depth of my being, your words, awakening beams of light, don’t let this happen, do not let this happen, screaming from future past.  The only thing I can still truly remember clearly, the day your words tapped my soul as I gripped the red book which gave me life. After your words only the shadows were real to me and this feeling I have always had, comforting and sheltering my heart.  Always a beam of light, not far ahead of my sight, yet constantly surrounding me, a dream, an infinite dream…shadows like you have lost the power to stop this anymore.  You are stuck on the old plane and death can’t hurt us anymore

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