a slight return

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‘We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness.’ George Orwell

And then I reached door.  As the door opened she was standing there with a half melted ice cream cone in her hand.  A feeling of warmth and comfort overcame me.  I watched her ice cream fall to the ground.  A shudder courses through me as I lose control of my thoughts.  It was the drink that did this to me.  I crush the can of Revolution Cola Trademark “you will experience it all in one sip” in my hand.  She reaches down and scoops me up in her arms, cradling me as if I am her child.  I have a strange wish for a rootbeer float, with a cherry…-what is this –  Oh no not another one, sorry, sorry just proceed

“Curiously, the chiming of the hour seemed to have put new heart into him. He was a lonely ghost uttering a truth that nobody would ever hear. But so long as he uttered it, in some obscure way the continuity was not broken. It was not by making yourself heard but by staying sane that you carried on the human heritage.” George Orwell

As I lay in her arms without even opening my lips I communicated.  Did you feel my words? – Yes, I felt them, I’ve always knew, we can get out of this, we are here together. – But I still don’t understand who you are, what you are, or why I can only create boxes, jails for myself to live in. – If you know that, you are learning, but there is no telling just which way you will go. –  I remembered the nights I would hide under my bed,  the butterfly wings  slowly moving up and down, the only peace I knew, imparting love and understanding to the core of my being.  They were the only thing that kept me sane and then…poofff they were gone. I remember the trip to the sun.  Everything was burning down all around me but there was no light.  My thoughts were suffocating any feeling I thought I could still pursue.  My mother was screaming as dad would hit and hit and she screamed louder but no one came for her, even the butterfly hid from the screams and that’s when it told me we needed to have a trip around the sun.  The flames got darker and the shadows tendrils got darker.  I began feeling that heart beat, the assurance of the dark thoughts of what I was becoming, a seperate entity upon my throne, looking down at the faceless and sad.  The darkness further surrounded us as I felt I could barely move and my mind…would not…let that darkness…go. It’s wings pushed us further and further towards the sun, and the heat grew stronger, the slight breeze from the wings kept the shadows tendrils from gaining a firm grip…I reached for the sun.  I still had no control over my thoughts.  The darkness still pulling me back down to where I was but we kept floating up and around the sun in a wave.  I Experienced(tm) it all and there is blood on someone’s hands for this.  I’m happy I stopped running because it is not the answer.  I’ve come so far but I still have no idea where I really am, trapped somewhere, this time the scenery is a little different.  Still at the bottom of the well perhaps.  How can I escape this if my words don’t mean what I want them to, and what I feel most deeply disappears in a burst of fire, and everyone that seems so real to me becomes robotic if I stare too long?  Cherry’s movements slow once again as she appears to be short circuiting and I take another sip of cola for a different Experience(tm) and the words once again appear before my eyes

‘We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness.’

But if there’s darkness everywhere how can we possibly meet?  Another sip,  a new Experience(tm) and that forces me to see that none of these thoughts are at all new.  They are what I have seen, what I have thought and I have locked away never to fully dissect or understand.  Cherry’s wings slowly move and the ice cream is now a puddle at her knees.  I look deeply into her eyes where my words clearly appear…take one more trip around the sun…but I don’t know why I need to do that.  I am being consumed by the shadows of the past, those I can’t feel, those I can’t see, but there always and it is only because I let them remain, never understood, because I don’t want to let too much go,  because one day…pooofff I’ll be gone

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