2 minutes to hate

1986-Reagan-1-260

“There’s no escape

The big pricks are out.

They’ll fuck everything in sight.

Watch your back.”  Democracy by Harold Pinter

The most used word in Ronald Reagan’s speech after he won the election for president: frightened  from Lloyd deMause’s Reagan’s America

I didn’t stop running.  I didn’t look back.  There was a pounding coming from above me.  Feet pounding to the flow of hatred.  A tornado of anger that even unseen, engulfed his mind and his body, directionless, it spun it’s tendrils in every direction.  The Shadowgrey paintings adorning the walls began to change shape.  The pounding on the ceiling above was growing and I began to think I was running straight into it.  The thought of Cherry crossed my mind as my brain was being pulled in a thousand directions at once and it was impossible for me to settle on just one thing.  I wanted to kill her.  I wanted to burn her just like the pages of my soul drifting away into nothingness and at the same time I loved her.  But still it was Her, she trapped me here, only she has the power to let me out of this prison.  And just for a quick flash, this thought sounded incredibly stupid.  Sweat was pouring down my face as the pounding, the infinite hatred was ruling every movement I made.  I was afraid, I must tell you this now.  It only grew and grew as I became smaller.  I suppose this is the nature of fear and hatred… I was slowly becoming a speck of dust flowing away in the waves of hatred.  My skin pealed back and I watched as the Shadowgrey was beginning to take its new shape in the form of a triangle and the triangle began to communicate in a web of thought that touched me deeply.  You are running only from yourself in an explosion of speed and anger and fear, you are running from what you are.  Just listen to the sounds of anger dissipating.  You always were what you think you are, a frightened little boy, frightened of the big adults that tell you what to do and the shadows that teach you nothing but confusion and remember when you hid below your bed at night because you were scared you’d wake up and there’d be nothing left…I remember why I did that, now I remember, that goddamn lunchbox I had, Ron and Nancy and I drew a nuclear bomb on it and made clown faces on them and my mother yelled at me.  I slept under my bed because I thought any day the psychotics telling us what to do were gonna blow everything up.  An eight year old kid had this all figured out just by looking into that face, and that voice, that fucking voice, whispering in your ear sweetly as it fucked our world to death.  The psychotics are in control, I’m not only running from myself, I’m running from everything!  The Shadowgrey now resembled a shape more like a rectangle and somewhere Cherry stops writing but the hate continues, I think at its peak, I hear footsteps running towards me and I look upon the Shadowgrey as my words appear across them, written with my mind and somewhere I hear Cherry’s heartbeat as the man’s running footsteps approach me he shouts keep running, don’t ever stop!  He breezes by out of sight and I’m left with my hands by my side unable to understand the power I have just discovered.  The hatred stops above me and I am left only with the slow hum of it flowing throughout my body…the thought overtakes me as I read my words, the psychotics are in control a generally empowering thought you see, please understand, everything, you me, this, that, it is all what we are and it can be changed at anytime, I just gotta keep moving and I run as I quickly take the shape of Shadowgrey

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