interstellar mooshball



“We are all galaxies shouting to each other over vast interstellar distances of prejudice; it is a minor miracle that we are able to understand each other even approximately.”

Robert Anton Wilson

…oh no,no I don’t remember what I have done.  I pound my head because I know what I have set loose and I just, I swear I could no longer hold it in.  Is there now a definition to what I am or what I have become what…all of this…no, no I know that’s not right to what I have let myself become.  And I put it right here, in space for no one to read.  I’m sorry…I beg, on my knees, my arms up to the sky.  I let it all out and the shadows which followed me for as long as I could remember are now following you.  Please, you really don’t have to go on, it only gets darker, but there is justification, there is, I swear it, you see if I just held it in than those that came in contact with me on a daily basis would have to deal with it, maybe in a backwards passive aggressive way but they would still have to deal with it right?  We’re all one right?  It was the well, the fucking anniversary special, thirty years since I was down there and thirty years later I can’t see that thing anymore and that’s why I took that trip back, to what I was, but I still don’t know.  These shadows now, they’re growing, they are everywhere now…but Ijust got to shut my eyes.  And now I can’t, they made me…Nodammit I made me do it, I put all this out there, now a few people know, but what is it they could know if I don’t?   Is it hope I forgot?  When I still had the ability to reach for the light…hope…now I’m lost amongst all these screens spitting out bits of nothing information constantly, floating through what I am, some sticking and some just floating on in all of what I am there is everything…see that’s why I showed you, that’s why, no, boredom, reenforcement of what I think I am but it still gives us an ability to reach for that light, remember that light, before all the violent images and stupid ideas we thought we were, before we were signed and numbered, before we became advertisements for what we thought we were, it’s that fucking light, no matter how many shadows we have to go through.  I just want to touch it one more time but it’d too hard now.  I’ve travelled through masses of nothingness to get somewhere ahead of where I was and I always seem to be looking behind, at that child with the ice cream and stars in his eyes, still staring at the vast possibilities, forgetting about the torment to come, the pain, the unknowing.  Can I be real, just for a moment then I swear I’ll go back, just for a second ok, floating upon this vast idea of what life is maybe I’ll never see a damn thing that could make any sense, but there is this thing, and it’s the same thing inside everything with a little life in it, every rock, every breeze, every tree, every one of us.  The thing that we can’t hide, the thing that if I listen to it makes me do stupid things like the thing I’m doing now but it also helps me get a little closer to what is making me beat, what is making everything pulsate, what allows us to once again hear the sound of life.  Like the winds and the waves of the ocean, we can only let go if we fall and open. We can only dream if our ideas pass away, into the space that surrounds all of us and the look in our eyes only expresses everything.

ps…please forgive me for not holding this inside

art by Vera Ariana Ledoux


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